LUKE 2:35: A SWORD WILL PIERCE YOUR HEART

its been awhile since ive blogged in here. ive often wondered about what simeon was talking about when he looked right into marys eyes when Jesus was nothing more than an infant, and said "A SWORD WILL PIERCE YOUR HEART." as described in luke 2:35. he WAS referring to His coming death as simeon knew as few of the elders knew that the fulfillment of prophecy was unfolding right before them, that one day she would have to eatch Him die, but i also knew it was much more than that, even more than the fact that she would also have to suffer the pain that would come from the fact that Jesus would never be a normal child. more than that. MUCH MORE..BUT WHAT??? at home fellowship, i remember linn telling esther
during prayer that she was a woman whose heart had been pierced in many places. once gain WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????? there was a part of me that understood that soon i would find out personally. i realize now that hearing about how someone close to mes heart was pierced
was something that God had meant for me to hear.

i remember very well my first marriage. his name was grant and he turned out to be someone whose behavior fell well within the perimeters of a sadistic sociopath, whose hatred of women
was so deep that he even hated his own daughter. he came very close to murdering me on more than one occasion. it wasnt just a matter of mere abuse. he wanted me dead. for years i hated him, lived in fear and hatred of him, and saw myself as a victim. recently, for some strange reason, i decided to research him online. i came across a web caption showing that he had passed away two years ago, and it gave the name of his sister who was on facebook. i looked her up and i wrote to her. i was wondering how he died seeing that he was only 56 years old. the email i got back was heartbreaking. he had died from complications of hapatitis c as a result of sharing dirty needles several years back. he died the way that he lived....drunk high full of rage and alone. he was dead for several days before he was found.

as i was reading this, a question rose inside of me....WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM???? THE TRUTH!!!! NOT SOME PRETTY FICTION YOUD LIKE TO HAVE YOURSELF BELIEVE?? the answer was simple... i married him to get away from home so i could live life as if it was one big party, and grant had the drugs. THATS A SAD PATHETIC REASON TO MARRY SOMEONE!! that was the moment when i understood what it meant A SWORD WILL PIERCE YOUR HEART!!!! its that moment of not only allowing the Holy Spirit to convict you in line with His truth, but actually allowing it to be that two edged sword, cutting right into the depths of your heart, revealing all those twisted motives, and hidden things of dishonesty, and seeing it for what it is..its ugly. it PAINED me to see that. i know now that i was never going to forgive grant for what he had done to me until i first saw that my part in what had happened to be was HUGE. this was also the first time i really saw how id lived my life in the past.. i went rocking thru life not having a clue. i didnt have a clue, i just went thru life, blissfully ignorant, not accepting responsibility for anything (ididnt think i HAD any responsibilities. mommy and daddy never made me accept responsibility. why should anyone else?) i thought i could just do anything i wanted to do, with no repercussions. i was like the little girl on sesame street LALALALALAL down the street, then wondering why i got a gun stuck into my back. i used people back then, i just didnt take into consideration that there just might be someone who came across my path who was the wrong person to do that to. he wasnt stupid. he was hip.. SHES USING ME. when you do something for selfish reasons, it will always reach out and bite you.

this is one of these postcards from God that i needed to see. it was like looking at a snapshot of my life fastforward in another 10-12 years if i had kept going in the direction i was going.seeing myself at nearly 60, doing what i was doing at 20 to get high...FILL IN THE BLANKS, its not pretty. today i understand that everyone deserves to have people who want to be around them because they love them, not for what they can get from them. i see what God pulled me out of, not only eternal damnation ,but also an early grave. i am grateful for a God who saw when i needed to have my heart pierced